I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
