Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
