I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
