i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
