I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
