Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
