i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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