she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize