So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
