He had one of those small greek statue penises
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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