My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
