sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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