$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
