Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
