Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
