I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I can't turn off my feet"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
