You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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