I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
