I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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