I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I could fuck to npr.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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