my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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