i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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