please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
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