My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
