you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
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