You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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