When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
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