do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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