i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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