just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
