great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
