My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
