Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
