I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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