I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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