I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We need to get me chipped asap
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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