So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
