remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Houston, we have a squirter
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
