Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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