I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
