No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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