What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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