I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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