Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize