New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
