Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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