I met the friendliest cop last night
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
