When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
