I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
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I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
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Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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