Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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