ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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