; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
