my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he fucked my hip out of place.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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