His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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