the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
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