I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
